I haven't been on here for awhile. So update.

So I have not been on here for a really long time. Let's see a lot has happened in my life. I've lost a lot of people. It seemed to all start in 2008. I lost my grandpa; whom I was really close to. Then i lost a few people in my family I did not really know but still it matters. Then I lost my uncle; whom i loved but was not really close to because he chose to not treat me right in his later part of his life. Then I lost some other family members. Then I lost my other grandfather. Then in July of last year; I lost my best friend besides my grandfather I lost the love of his life. I lost my grandmother. I found her while she was having her stroke and it just about killed me. She was in the hospital for a week and so was I. After that I just about gave up on everything. Friends, Family, and Myself. In ways that were unexplainable. I was and sometimes still am very lost. It started when i lost my grandfather but i tried so hard not to lose but when my grandma passed away I didn't know how to act or talk or even feel. After months of looking for a job I finally got one in December of last year. I also started feeling a little better but still uneasy. I also started making really amazing friends. I also finally got over this one person who didn't deserved to have me care for him. Then after awhile i kinda started liking this guy but we're just friends. Anyways in February of this year right before my birthday; like a few weeks before. I woke up to a call I never thought I would get. My cousin Brian; only 25 years old; had passed away. It hurt a lot because he was such and amazing and sweet person. He was also mentally handicapped but was an amazing person because of it. He didn't judge or hate people the way normal people do. I have learned a lot from him and i miss him. Since then i haven't been the same. I haven't really been the same since 2008, but I have changed a lot. I sometimes look at old pictures; even from just last year and i don't even know that girl anymore. Also in February I officially turned 21. Since then I have been having fun going out. Kinda becoming a bit more outgoing. My friends i have made from work are amazing! I have made an amazing best friend! We just like get each other hahaha. Anyways. I also started eating less and losing weight which i like because I actually am trying now.  I'm just trying to live my life and be happy. I've pretty much given up on looking for someone to be with. If they want me they can try. I'm tired of having the feelings and getting screwed over in the end, but ehh like i said i'm pretty much over it. I don't believe I need a guy to make me happy. I just need my friends and family. Oh speaking of family. I have stopped talking to my dad's side of the family because after giving them chances upon chances for things they did in the past I finally gave. I'm tired of the shit I Always have to go through with them. They just think they can treat me like crap and stop talking to me out of nowhere and leave me hurting. My whole life they have pushed me down, never really believed in me, or treated me like i was nothing compared to my cousin. So i made it to where i am done and am nothing to them anymore. I just have given up on so many things and people who don't deserve to have me. Including friends. Some of my old friends did a lot of bad shit to me. They don't see it but I did and I just couldn't take the hurt and pain anymore after everything i have gone through. It was just not worth it anymore. Yet they all still talk a lot of shit but i have given up on caring. If they wanted to talk to me they would talk to me or try to apologize or shit like that. I'm tired of apologizing for everyone elses' actions. I have also started writing again. I used to write but never show it but sometimes i share it now. I also have gotten a canon rebel t3 and a canon film slr. i love them both. Oh and another thing. I haven't really told my friends. I don't know why but we are losing my house. It kind of kills me because I have tried so hard to get everything and everyone to figure out how to keep it but noone listened to me and now it's too late. I mean it really does hurt more than I let on because I have lived in this house my whole life. Its not like I've only lived here for a few years. So I guess me and my mom are moving somewhere. I don't know where yet. I kind of want to move out of Santa Maria, but I don't know where i'd live or how. Plus if I leave I feel like I'd hurt my mom by moving. I don't know. I haven't really talked to her about it because I don't know how. That's another thing. I don't know how to tell people things anymore. Like how i feel. I guess I have just given up on telling people. Maybe it's because so many people have showed me that they really don't give a fuck about how i feel and just leave me in the end. I mean I keep a lot of shit inside. I don't even tell my best friends some stuff i would have told them at any point in my life before. Maybe I have lost too much and I just don't trust people like I did before. Like I tell people stuff but I don't. If that makes any sense at all. I don't even know if anyone really reads my blog. It's just a bunch of random shit and stuff about feelings. I think I'm going to post more on here. Maybe I'll feel better letting shit out, but for now this is it. maybe ill post my photography and writing on here. well have a good day.